"It's not the mountain we conquer but ourselves" ~Edmund Hillary

There are times in your life that you realize that it's time to get to it!  Time to get to the things you've wanted to accomplish. The goals you've had on your list for awhile.  And for me it's my "bucket list".  I've had that feeling over the last few months.  As I finish up my certifications for Life Coaching and want to truly walk the walk of what I believe. I felt it was time to tackle a few things on that list.  I also have had a few things happen to friends that make me realize that life is short and we are not guaranteed tomorrow.  That along with my own "being well" after 10 years of adrenal fatigue and my health no longer being the reason to hold me back! 

So as Labor Day weekend was approaching my husband and I discussed climbing Longs Peak, which is a "14er" mountain in Colorado that tops out at 14,256 ft. in elevation.  It had been on my list for years.  And we had never attempted it together although Fritz had done it several times over the years. And we never set a date to it during the time I was battling fatigue because the schedule of it would have been really rough for me. 

It requires an early start, 2:30 -3:30 a.m.!!  The goal is to get to the Summit and be headed back down by about 11:30 a.m. before any weather starts to form up there at 14,000 ft.  At that altitude weather has patterns all it's own.  And you don't want to be caught up there when bad weather rolls in. 

We did a long hike the week before and felt great so we were feeling confident that Longs Peak was finally within our reach!  So Fritz scheduled an extra day off and we planned our hike day on a Friday, giving us the rest of the long weekend to recoup.  We had heard that on any given weekend there were 300-400 people who attempt it in the Summer months when the weather is good. 

So we had a plan, eat dinner early, I'd get us packed and we would go to bed about 6:30 p.m. the night before to get up at Midnight and be to the trail around 2:00 a.m. I had been doing my researchonline by Googling the mountain and the trail, looking through friends pictures that had done the hike and mentally preparing myself for what was coming up.  There were a few areas that looked a little dicey, but I was confident that I was ready and prepared for the hike. I had a few select friends that I messaged and asked to pray for us on our journey and that brought me great comfort just knowing we would be in the thoughts and prayers of friends.  So I laid down, closed my eyes and prepared for sleep.  It didn't come. I got approx. 1 hour of sleep by the time the night went by, before waking up at midnight.  I was too excited, too filled with anxiety over our climb to come.  I had waited so long to share this with my husband.  It was finally our time.  Even without sleep I knew I'd be okay.  I had rested. :) I had been doing an adequate amount of cardio to prepare myself and I am in good shape, so the physicality of the climb didn't worry me. I figured my adrenaline of the excitement of the trip would carry me through.

We arrived at the trial head about 2:15 a.m. Pitch black, with little or no moon to light the night.  The parking lot was filling up at a pretty good rate.  Your thinking "who else is up at this time?" and then all these people are showing up, all with the same agenda as you.  To climb Longs Peak! Everyone was strapping on their flashlights to light our paths up the trail.  We signed in at the trial head at 2:25 a.m. and we were off.  Walking through the dark up the path, just one foot in front of the other, only being able to see the next few steps in front of you.  From the very start you begin to climb and in the stillness and quiet of the night you'd hear voices coming.  It would seem like they were so close to you, but looking back they were a little ways down the trail.   The voices just carried well in the night. Looking back we would see a string of lights, moving their way through the darkness behind us.  It was like a string of Christmas lights!  The stars were so bright in the sky and reminded me of the sky in Montana.  The stars are always so bright and plentiful when no city lights are dulling them.

Up, up and up the trail we went.  It was like a stair climber from hell in certain spots as you were just climbing step after step up the rocks.  You could tell we were climbing and the breaths get a little more labored the higher up we go. We took in snacks while we walked and kept our pace steady.  Never stopping for a break, but we were both feeling good.  Because we started early and it is later in the year, being September, we were in the Boulderfield before any sign of dawn broke.  The scramble across the boulders was a bit of a challenge in the dark.  Little piles of rocks are the only signs of the trial, so we would maneuver a few steps over the boulders, then stop and lift up our flashlights to see if we could see any little piles of rocks and then move forward.  While light was just starting to come I saw the outline of what I had read about as the solar outhouses in the Boulderfield.  We found our way to them in the dark and by the time we turned around it seemed like more and more light was coming.  Soon we weren't using the flashlights and were able to turn them off.  I got my first look at the Keyhole.  Up the Boulderfield to the edge of the mountain where you cross over to the back side of the mountain.  It was fairly steep over the last big boulders to get there.  Often you are just grabbing the edge of a rock and scrambling your feet up it.  No real correct path or step to take, it's just a matter of finding your way over the rocks. 

We reached the Keyhole and decided to take a quick break and re-fuel ourselves.  We ate a little bit and drank some gatorade and where feeling really good about the time we were making and our chances of Summiting. We under packed warmer clothes a little and I had on layers, but all layers wind could blow through and I was freezing.  Shivering so badly it was difficult to hold my protein bar still enough to take a bite. The wind was blowing and it was chilly up there.  We even saw snowflakes fluttering around.

We set off to cross over and continue our climb to the next part called the "Ledges".  As we came over the top it was awe inspiring.  A 2000 ft. drop down the other side and your up there on the ledges above it.  There are bulls eyes drawn on the rocks to help you find your way across the rock face and stay on the course.  As soon as we turned that corner and it was time to reach our first bulls eye I was not prepared for what happened to me next.  The view when we came over the top had taken my breath away it was so amazing but it soon turned from awe of the view to "holy crap" that is a long drop.  I told myself not to look down.  Figuring that would help.  But as much as I wasn't looking, I knew it was there.  I became very scared.  Fritz was leading out and I could see him moving toward the next target and I panicked.  I called for him and told him to slow down a little bit because I just needed to acclimate myself a little. Even though I was scared and telling myself to not look down, I was giving myself a pep talk up there.  FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. It's not as scary as you're feeling.  Just feel it and move forward.  You can do this.  Plenty of people before you have done it and been fine.  But no matter what I was telling my brain, my body was not cooperating.  I was beginning to get very dizzy and I thought I was experiencing vertigo.  I began to feel nauseated and thought I'd throw up.  I couldn't figure out what was going on.  I felt like a just needed a few minutes, but it wasn't passing.  I felt like my world was spinning and with that unsure feeling I was trying to imagine continuing on.  I felt very unstable.  Then my chest started to tighten and I felt a panic attack coming on.  I thought "great I'm going to have a frickin' heart attack up here on this mountain!"  "what the hell is going on!??"  I had never felt like that before. I could see myself trying to take that ledge but had a hard time seeing myself coming back.   I knew the only trial wasn't to get there, but that I'd have to come down too.  It became evident that in my current state and as unstable as I was with the dizziness and spinning and thinking I would be sick and the fact that I couldn't seem to slow my breaths down that it was going to be hard to continue and for the first time I began to feel like it would not be safe for me to do so.  All the things I had done in the past to get myself through something, didn't work!   I was so relieved to come back over that ledge and start heading back down. 

I am the one who has always wanted to jump out of an airplane!  I love free fall rides of any kind.  I am the first one to sign up for the harness ride, where they strap you in and pull you up a few stories then you rip the cord and fall!  I always want to be the one in charge of pulling the cord, and don't have any problem doing it!  I Love roller coasters and the exhilaration of screaming fast down them.  I've never had a problem with glass elevators or high balconies.  I had NO idea I was afraid of heights.  I didn't know until I was out on that ledge about to crawl out on it.  My mind couldn't overcome the strong reaction my body was having.  My range of emotions was all over the place.  From being glad to going down. At first having NO regrets of not going forward to being pissed off that I couldn't control the reaction my body was having.  And then disappointed that we weren't able to continue.  I knew how badly my husband had wanted me to get to the Summit and how he wanted me to see that view from the top of the mountain.  I tried to put it out of my mind and just enjoy all the scenery of our trip down.  All the beauty we had missed in the dark on our way up!  It was inspiring and I was so glad we came, even though we didn't make it all the way.  I felt the trip was well worth it still.  It wasn't until we were home and starting researching my symptoms that we realized I had a fear of heights.  I was baffled.  Where did this come from?  Why do I have it and why in some cases doesn't it bother me.  It appears it comes from something that is stuck in your subconscious, probably from childhood, that terrified me.  I couldn't quite pin point one occasion.  When I asked my brother his response was "which one?" I could think a many instances of  being terrified and fearing for my life, real or not. 

I was ashamed.  I felt like a complete chicken.  It is not my nature to set a goal and then not make it.  To give up turn around and quit.  This began to wear on me.   So I decided that I would begin to work on it and find a way to over come it.  Since then I am researching things that might help and ways to overcome a fear of heights.  It's not an option for me to just "avoid" those situations.  I always want to be in full control of my body and not let it stop me.  I plan to work on it and go back next year because for me it's not an option to not make it.  Before we went up I had no idea that I even had this fear, but now that I know it's time to take it by the horns and deal with it.  Oh, Longs Peak, you may have been elusive to me this time, but you made me realize something about myself, that I will now work to overcome.  I will be back and I will win.  The quote of the blog has a whole new meaning to it than when I first remembered it the week before we went up.  So add that to my bucket list - overcome the fear of heights!!  Can't wait to cross that one off!