And then... I conquered myself!!

Thanks for all of the comments and encouragement I received after my last blog!  I truly appreciate your love, support and belief in me and my abilities. 

Since that post I had been anticipating another opportunity, another chance to change that outcome and overcome my fear, that I had only just discovered.  I didn't let it eat at me, but I certainly thought about it often.  Researching and mentally running over it in my mind of how I would handle it differently and how I could change the way I approach the fear of heights, to be able to conquer the fear inside of me. 

I like to know I have control.  I am a control freak at heart!  I plan and meticulously plot out my days, my life, my workouts and my control over me.  I love time management and even though, I still struggle with it at times (I do have those days that it just doesn't go as planned) I work to improve on it daily.  So for me the fact that I didn't have control over myself and my body's reaction, up on that mountain, just didn't sit well with me and I would not accept that I had a "fear of heights" or acrophobia. I felt strongly that it was something I wanted to overcome. 

My husband, Fritz and I had a vacation coming up with some hiking scheduled and ever since 2006, when he had been to Zion National Park and climbed Angel's Landing, he had wanted to take me there and have me experience it!  After Longs Peak I knew we had this trip coming up and I knew I was going to be able to get into some "situations" that would test me and my acrophobia.  But I had been preparing myself for how I would handle it and what I would do to overcome it.  I had thought so much about the excitement of getting another chance that I wasn't even anxious about the trip although I knew I'd be tested.  I was in a comfortable place with it and excited to move on. 

So day 1 of hiking in Zion we hit the ground running and did Angel's first!  My hubby was so smart about this.  No working up to it etc. Let's just do it! I like that! LOL!  I was as prepared as I was going to be and we caught the shuttle bus into the park to drop us off at the trail head for Angel's Landing.  On our way the recorded message from the PA says" the next stop is the trail head for Angle's and we do not recommend small children or aracophobes to take this hike, and if anyone in your party feels uncomfortable at any time please turn around.  There have been fatalities on this trail." Okay, thanks for that! I just had to chuckle!   We departed the bus and headed up the trail.  I told myself to just enjoy the experience and take it one step at a  time.  The first part is fairly steep but a wide pathway and even though you are traveling up at a rapid rate, I felt totally comfortable and even looking back or down I was doing okay.  Then we got to the technical part. 

"Rocks and chains" we'll call it!   No doubt there was some heavy breathing on my part and taking a few deep breaths!  But I just simply looked at the next step in front of me and kept moving.  It was important to me to keep moving.  The times my heart really raced where when we would meet someone going in the opposite direction and have to cross our paths.  To have to put trust in other people to not do something stupid was daunting!  But my hubby was there making sure we were in a good place to pass when we needed to and waiting when we needed to for all things to be "clear".  I will be honest, I didn't look down! I just looked at the step in front of me.  I knew I could just keep taking the "next" step.  I didn't think about the trail ahead, although at one point I caught a peek of it and really had a strong gut reaction to just turn around. But I wasn't going to, I was determined!! I didn't think about getting to the top and then having to come back down these areas that I was having to use the chains to pull myself up onto the next rock.  I didn't allow myself and my mind to even go there.  I just thought, "I'll deal with that when I get there." It was a good plan!  Here we are on the summit!

I can tell you I didn't want to "hang out" up there too long! LOL!! I think Fritz would have liked to stay longer. :)  We spent about an hour. My trip down I was feeling comfortable and confident and I dare say it was pretty easy and stress free! Ya!!!  I even stopped to look over the edge on the way down!  I had a sense of accomplishment, but wasn't elated.  Just very calm and comfortable with being able to overcome and accomplish what I set out to do.  I guess I was thinking it would be this big celebration if I made it.  But that wasn't the way I was feeling.  I was just satisfied :) 

A couple of days later, while hanging by the pool relaxing, I was reading my book "Unleashing your Authentic Power" - Jim Britt, and read a whole passage on fear.  What struck me most was this: "Fear is trapped energy - nothing more, nothing less. Fear is the expectation of pain. Fear is the result of taking a non resourceful experience from our past, projecting it in the present once again. It's our imagination. Fear is never about the present. It's only about the future, based on the past. It only appears to be happening to us now."  I thought that explains it beautifully.  I also thought I was wishing I had read that on the plane, a few days earlier,  instead of talking to the guy next to us!  LOL!! For me it made sense.  Fear was just energy I created in my body by letting my imagination think of the worse case scenarios! It relates to so many things in our lives not just a fear of heights.  The fear that is holding you back from anything you want to do or accomplish is just energy - trapped energy.  When I think of it this way it makes it so much easier to dismiss it and just move forward.  Not let fear stop me, not let fear control me, but just simply let it go as bad energy in my body!  There are so many things we can accomplish in life when we learn to "let go" of the things that do not serve us well.  The more I let go the more I grow!! 

On days after the first I enjoyed the "heights".  I took time to look down and it didn't bother me at all.  I got myself into some places I wouldn't have been comfortable before and I let go of that fear!

This was an amazing trip for so many reasons and really the least of them was getting to the top of that particular mountain.   My last blog I labeled "It's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves." And on this trip I conquered me!! 

"It's not the mountain we conquer but ourselves" ~Edmund Hillary

There are times in your life that you realize that it's time to get to it!  Time to get to the things you've wanted to accomplish. The goals you've had on your list for awhile.  And for me it's my "bucket list".  I've had that feeling over the last few months.  As I finish up my certifications for Life Coaching and want to truly walk the walk of what I believe. I felt it was time to tackle a few things on that list.  I also have had a few things happen to friends that make me realize that life is short and we are not guaranteed tomorrow.  That along with my own "being well" after 10 years of adrenal fatigue and my health no longer being the reason to hold me back! 

So as Labor Day weekend was approaching my husband and I discussed climbing Longs Peak, which is a "14er" mountain in Colorado that tops out at 14,256 ft. in elevation.  It had been on my list for years.  And we had never attempted it together although Fritz had done it several times over the years. And we never set a date to it during the time I was battling fatigue because the schedule of it would have been really rough for me. 

It requires an early start, 2:30 -3:30 a.m.!!  The goal is to get to the Summit and be headed back down by about 11:30 a.m. before any weather starts to form up there at 14,000 ft.  At that altitude weather has patterns all it's own.  And you don't want to be caught up there when bad weather rolls in. 

We did a long hike the week before and felt great so we were feeling confident that Longs Peak was finally within our reach!  So Fritz scheduled an extra day off and we planned our hike day on a Friday, giving us the rest of the long weekend to recoup.  We had heard that on any given weekend there were 300-400 people who attempt it in the Summer months when the weather is good. 

So we had a plan, eat dinner early, I'd get us packed and we would go to bed about 6:30 p.m. the night before to get up at Midnight and be to the trail around 2:00 a.m. I had been doing my researchonline by Googling the mountain and the trail, looking through friends pictures that had done the hike and mentally preparing myself for what was coming up.  There were a few areas that looked a little dicey, but I was confident that I was ready and prepared for the hike. I had a few select friends that I messaged and asked to pray for us on our journey and that brought me great comfort just knowing we would be in the thoughts and prayers of friends.  So I laid down, closed my eyes and prepared for sleep.  It didn't come. I got approx. 1 hour of sleep by the time the night went by, before waking up at midnight.  I was too excited, too filled with anxiety over our climb to come.  I had waited so long to share this with my husband.  It was finally our time.  Even without sleep I knew I'd be okay.  I had rested. :) I had been doing an adequate amount of cardio to prepare myself and I am in good shape, so the physicality of the climb didn't worry me. I figured my adrenaline of the excitement of the trip would carry me through.

We arrived at the trial head about 2:15 a.m. Pitch black, with little or no moon to light the night.  The parking lot was filling up at a pretty good rate.  Your thinking "who else is up at this time?" and then all these people are showing up, all with the same agenda as you.  To climb Longs Peak! Everyone was strapping on their flashlights to light our paths up the trail.  We signed in at the trial head at 2:25 a.m. and we were off.  Walking through the dark up the path, just one foot in front of the other, only being able to see the next few steps in front of you.  From the very start you begin to climb and in the stillness and quiet of the night you'd hear voices coming.  It would seem like they were so close to you, but looking back they were a little ways down the trail.   The voices just carried well in the night. Looking back we would see a string of lights, moving their way through the darkness behind us.  It was like a string of Christmas lights!  The stars were so bright in the sky and reminded me of the sky in Montana.  The stars are always so bright and plentiful when no city lights are dulling them.

Up, up and up the trail we went.  It was like a stair climber from hell in certain spots as you were just climbing step after step up the rocks.  You could tell we were climbing and the breaths get a little more labored the higher up we go. We took in snacks while we walked and kept our pace steady.  Never stopping for a break, but we were both feeling good.  Because we started early and it is later in the year, being September, we were in the Boulderfield before any sign of dawn broke.  The scramble across the boulders was a bit of a challenge in the dark.  Little piles of rocks are the only signs of the trial, so we would maneuver a few steps over the boulders, then stop and lift up our flashlights to see if we could see any little piles of rocks and then move forward.  While light was just starting to come I saw the outline of what I had read about as the solar outhouses in the Boulderfield.  We found our way to them in the dark and by the time we turned around it seemed like more and more light was coming.  Soon we weren't using the flashlights and were able to turn them off.  I got my first look at the Keyhole.  Up the Boulderfield to the edge of the mountain where you cross over to the back side of the mountain.  It was fairly steep over the last big boulders to get there.  Often you are just grabbing the edge of a rock and scrambling your feet up it.  No real correct path or step to take, it's just a matter of finding your way over the rocks. 

We reached the Keyhole and decided to take a quick break and re-fuel ourselves.  We ate a little bit and drank some gatorade and where feeling really good about the time we were making and our chances of Summiting. We under packed warmer clothes a little and I had on layers, but all layers wind could blow through and I was freezing.  Shivering so badly it was difficult to hold my protein bar still enough to take a bite. The wind was blowing and it was chilly up there.  We even saw snowflakes fluttering around.

We set off to cross over and continue our climb to the next part called the "Ledges".  As we came over the top it was awe inspiring.  A 2000 ft. drop down the other side and your up there on the ledges above it.  There are bulls eyes drawn on the rocks to help you find your way across the rock face and stay on the course.  As soon as we turned that corner and it was time to reach our first bulls eye I was not prepared for what happened to me next.  The view when we came over the top had taken my breath away it was so amazing but it soon turned from awe of the view to "holy crap" that is a long drop.  I told myself not to look down.  Figuring that would help.  But as much as I wasn't looking, I knew it was there.  I became very scared.  Fritz was leading out and I could see him moving toward the next target and I panicked.  I called for him and told him to slow down a little bit because I just needed to acclimate myself a little. Even though I was scared and telling myself to not look down, I was giving myself a pep talk up there.  FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. It's not as scary as you're feeling.  Just feel it and move forward.  You can do this.  Plenty of people before you have done it and been fine.  But no matter what I was telling my brain, my body was not cooperating.  I was beginning to get very dizzy and I thought I was experiencing vertigo.  I began to feel nauseated and thought I'd throw up.  I couldn't figure out what was going on.  I felt like a just needed a few minutes, but it wasn't passing.  I felt like my world was spinning and with that unsure feeling I was trying to imagine continuing on.  I felt very unstable.  Then my chest started to tighten and I felt a panic attack coming on.  I thought "great I'm going to have a frickin' heart attack up here on this mountain!"  "what the hell is going on!??"  I had never felt like that before. I could see myself trying to take that ledge but had a hard time seeing myself coming back.   I knew the only trial wasn't to get there, but that I'd have to come down too.  It became evident that in my current state and as unstable as I was with the dizziness and spinning and thinking I would be sick and the fact that I couldn't seem to slow my breaths down that it was going to be hard to continue and for the first time I began to feel like it would not be safe for me to do so.  All the things I had done in the past to get myself through something, didn't work!   I was so relieved to come back over that ledge and start heading back down. 

I am the one who has always wanted to jump out of an airplane!  I love free fall rides of any kind.  I am the first one to sign up for the harness ride, where they strap you in and pull you up a few stories then you rip the cord and fall!  I always want to be the one in charge of pulling the cord, and don't have any problem doing it!  I Love roller coasters and the exhilaration of screaming fast down them.  I've never had a problem with glass elevators or high balconies.  I had NO idea I was afraid of heights.  I didn't know until I was out on that ledge about to crawl out on it.  My mind couldn't overcome the strong reaction my body was having.  My range of emotions was all over the place.  From being glad to going down. At first having NO regrets of not going forward to being pissed off that I couldn't control the reaction my body was having.  And then disappointed that we weren't able to continue.  I knew how badly my husband had wanted me to get to the Summit and how he wanted me to see that view from the top of the mountain.  I tried to put it out of my mind and just enjoy all the scenery of our trip down.  All the beauty we had missed in the dark on our way up!  It was inspiring and I was so glad we came, even though we didn't make it all the way.  I felt the trip was well worth it still.  It wasn't until we were home and starting researching my symptoms that we realized I had a fear of heights.  I was baffled.  Where did this come from?  Why do I have it and why in some cases doesn't it bother me.  It appears it comes from something that is stuck in your subconscious, probably from childhood, that terrified me.  I couldn't quite pin point one occasion.  When I asked my brother his response was "which one?" I could think a many instances of  being terrified and fearing for my life, real or not. 

I was ashamed.  I felt like a complete chicken.  It is not my nature to set a goal and then not make it.  To give up turn around and quit.  This began to wear on me.   So I decided that I would begin to work on it and find a way to over come it.  Since then I am researching things that might help and ways to overcome a fear of heights.  It's not an option for me to just "avoid" those situations.  I always want to be in full control of my body and not let it stop me.  I plan to work on it and go back next year because for me it's not an option to not make it.  Before we went up I had no idea that I even had this fear, but now that I know it's time to take it by the horns and deal with it.  Oh, Longs Peak, you may have been elusive to me this time, but you made me realize something about myself, that I will now work to overcome.  I will be back and I will win.  The quote of the blog has a whole new meaning to it than when I first remembered it the week before we went up.  So add that to my bucket list - overcome the fear of heights!!  Can't wait to cross that one off!

You are where you are because you've decided to be.

I know that title is probably a tough one to stomach for some of you. Sometimes we just don't want to believe it. I know for me I have always felt like I had this "huge potential" inside of me. I felt like I was on the verge of something and that my dreams where just within my own reach and soon I would be there. Where? Right where I wanted to be, being the person I wanted to be and having the things, relationships, courage, strength and fortitude that I had always desired. But, ultimately I was lying to myself. Why? Because I was still stuck in a victim state of mind. As much as I remained positive and had an optimistic outlook, I was still buying into the victim side of me. And as long as I was doing that, I was not going to move forward. I would stay stuck. Not advancing my career, not making more money, not enriching my relationships, but right where I was still with "huge potential" but not sure how to ever bring that into fruition.

Sometimes we set goals and create a "5 year plan" and we may even put all that to paper and create vision boards and smaller goals to get us to our ultimate goals. And then time passes and we look back and we are still where we were. It can be frustrating and frankly discouraging. I often thought "why isn't this happening for me?" or "what am I doing wrong?" Guess what? A victim mentality.

That is what those questions tell me today. I was being a victim instead of really looking at what it was that was holding me back. If you are asking "why?" your not ready yet to move past whatever it is that's holding you back. Once my mindset switched to "I will make it happen!" and "I am doing this!" things have started to shift. It no longer matters why it hasn't. Who cares!! Do I want to spend my life looking back or moving forward? Some of those things I will never have the answers to and truthfully I don't need the answers to them. I just need to chalk them up to experience and MOVE ON!!! Move on with the attitude that nothing is going to stop me. I am a freight train that is gaining momentum. Ever tried to stop a freight train? It is a powerful force. How could a measly little question of "why did this happen to me?" even compete with a powerful force? It can't!

The only way to get to this point is to ask yourself the really tough questions and be willing to answer them... truthfully! The questions like "why did I create this for me?" Because ultimately you did. You created everything in your life with your actions, your choices and your beliefs. You are where you are because of the path you've taken. That last sentence was tough to swallow but taking responsibility for your actions and being a big girl and admitting I was ultimately responsible was a very healing step. The next tough question for me was "why do you give up on yourself?" We are hurt and disappointed when someone lets us down and our feelings are hurt and we feel unimportant. Now multiply that by 10, because when you do it to yourself it is that much more damaging! We all have a tendency to be our own worst enemy and beat ourselves up, but when you've become a professional at it the damage you cause to your own self esteem is enormous! And sometimes when you've beaten yourself down so low it is very easy to slip into the victim mentality anytime something happens to you. And then instead of standing up and fighting for yourself you lay down and take it. You begin to tell yourself that you deserve it. Instead of telling yourself that you are WORTHY of all good things. Next thing you know life is flying by and the 5 yr. plan has turned into a 10 yr. plan and all the while in the back of your mind your still not even believing it CAN happen for you. How could you when you feel so low about yourself? It doesn't equal up. You can't have all your heart desires when your energy is beating you up half the time and not believing in you the other half.

It takes a daily effort to move forward. It doesn't just come naturally. We have to do what we fear because the courage it takes to step forward will make you proud of yourself. And nothing builds your own self esteem than being proud of you and who you are and what you're accomplishing. It takes a purpose to be what you want to be. If your only doing something for money I dare say you will fizzle out eventually. What is your purpose? What drives you? What is the legend you want to leave behind?

You are WORTH it! You are worth the effort and you are bigger than what is holding you back. If it is diet and exercise than you are bigger than another piece of chocolate or cake or whatever. You are bigger than the twerp in your head that says "just hit the snooze" "you can workout later." You are bigger than the thinking that you want to eat what you want instead of making healthy choices. Or it might be in any other area, but you have to start believing that you are bigger than the things that hold you back. The phone calls you don't want to make for fear of rejection. The confrontation with someone who is not treating you fairly. You are bigger than all of that.

I read a quote today that said "You don't have as much time as you might think." Every day is important. Our time here on earth is very limited and we don't get to decide how long it will last nor do we get to know our end date. So I know for me, I want to make it as beneficial as possible and make my relationships meaningful and fulfilling. Accomplish the things I want to and live the life I am destined for. Time is running, so I have no time to be a victim anymore. I am taking full responsibility for me, where I'm headed, what will happen next and the goals I want to accomplish and live with purpose instead of regret.

"You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor." - Aristotle

"Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think and twice as beautiful as you'd ever imagined." - unknown

The most important blog I've ever written

It's been a year... A year of recovery of coming back of gaining my strength again and learning to live without limits - FINALLY!!!

You might be thinking "what happened?" some terrible accident, and incident I wasn't aware had happened. But it had gone on for 10 years. My immediate family knew all too well, but most had no clue. So what was it??

This is why this is the most important blog I've ever written because I want to get the information out there and I don't want anyone to have to experience and go through what I did for such a simple thing that no one caught.

Approximately 10+ years ago my doctor put me on a birth control named "Yasmin". It was new to the market and was suppose to have huge benefits in controlling PMS. Something I had struggled with since my teen years. My period has always hated my body and wreaked havoc with me. I switched to it and felt much better PMS wise. The silent killer was that it began to cause Adrenal Fatigue in my body.

I have always been very active and been a runner most of my life. But as the fatigue began to strike me, my runs got harder and harder. I thought I was out of shape and tried to push even harder to "get back in shape". All the while running down my adrenals even more.

Your adrenal gland produce adrenaline in your body. Not just a heavy boost of adrenaline when you have a fight or flight moment, but enough steady adrenaline to get your through each day and give you energy when needed.

I went to several doctors (5 to be exact) they all told me to slow down, take it easy and don't try to do so much and that I probably had some depression and put me on various forms of anti-depressants. I knew in my heart that was not the problem, but no one seemed to know what it might be. Adrenal fatigue was not tested for in Western medicine just 10 years ago. And I'm sorry but hey, if they don't have a pill to prescribe to you to make it all better, then it must not exist!

My health was deteriorating. My fatigue kept getting worse and I kept pushing. It made it hard to get out of bed at times. I could sleep for hours and there were times I was hard to roust. It scared my husband and scared me to death. At times I could hear in my sleep and know I had to get up but couldn't wake my body. It was like I was trapped in a sleeping body unable to move. On one particular day I had went for a run and came home and in the middle of stretching fell asleep... for 5 hours. I woke with one leg stretched out in front of me and one folded behind me just like I had been in the middle of that stretch. It freaked me out. I remember running a 5K, which I did many of, and the medical personal came along in a cart wanting to pick me up because I didn't look well. I shook them off and told them I was fun, but really I was having trouble putting one foot in front of the other and couldn't believe how hard it was. It was a stinking 5K for peat's sake!

I began to look pale all the time and literally cut off all of my hair in a pixie cut because to have to fix it exhausted me and I'd have to lay down. The simplest things took great effort and just trying to get though my day was a challenge. And most days I had to take at least one nap if not two. Many times I'd wear myself down so much I'd be in bed for days at a time. Working was crazy. I'd work so hard to set up appointments and then sometimes just have to cancel them because there was no way I would have the energy to get ready and go. I was driving to work one day and literally didn't feel like I could even make it there. I pulled over and called in sick and then fell asleep in my car.
The mental effects of not knowing what was going on with me and feeling like I was failing because I couldn't keep up with normal life was tough! But I kept trusting my gut and KNEW there was something really wrong with me. I kept researching and looking for answers until one day I stumbled upon a doctor's page on the Internet about adrenal fatigue and all my symptoms lined up. The weight gain, exhaustion, mental fogginess, suppressed immune system, the feeling like I was constantly coming down with the flu. So I started searching for a doctor who could help. The last Western medical doctor I saw told me I had chronic fatigue and that I should sign up for disability and learn to deal with it. I was in SHOCK! And I refused to take that as an answer. But I started taking any supplement the website had recommended and following the adrenal diet they had listed. Some relief started to come from that.

I found my doctor through a clinic in Maine who couldn't see me for 3 months. They suggested I see Doctor Brunschwig at Helios Clinic in Boulder that is only 22 miles from my home! The very first thing we did was test my adrenal function. It came back nearly non existent. Well below normal levels. We began an aggressive treatment of supplements and lifestyle to follow and I got some relief. But over and over again I'd start really feeling the fatigue again, we'd re-test and my levels would still be low. We'd get more aggressive and even did IV cocktails on a regular basis to try to support my body enough so it would begin to make more adrenaline on it's own. Everything would work somewhat for a little while, but I never felt normal and never felt like I had "my energy" back. I so longed for the days when I could accomplish so much in a day and be productive and feel good about myself.

Finally the answer came 10 years later. The doctors from the clinic in Maine, Women to Women clinic, whom I had telephone appointments with from time to time, recognized that I was still taking Yasmin birth control and they said that they had found that it caused adrenal fatigue in some women. They advised that I should go off of it and that I might have withdrawal symptoms. Yikes!! After two tough weeks of withdrawals I was finally off of it and within a few short weeks I was already feeling better. Even though they had warned it might take 6 months to a year to get back to normal, within 3 months I was feeling good and had my adrenals re-tested. NORMAL - perfectly normal range, that I had not fallen into in 10 years. I cannot even express to you how good those words felt to hear! It was like a sentence had been lifted and I began to really have some hope that it was finally turning around. My doctor chalked up my speedy recovery to the fact that I was doing everything in my power to give supportive care to my adrenals and once the Yasmin was gone that kept blocking the production of adrenaline in my body and shutting down the body's production of Pregnonolone (a hormone that tells the body to produce adrenaline) I was able to bounce back!

So bouncing back I am. I am able to get up in the morning without having to force myself. I am able to stay up past 10:30 p.m. and not have it put me in bed for 2 days. I am up all day!! No need for naps anymore. I don't catch every cold that comes along and my immune system is recovered. I am able to function. My mind is clear and I feel like I can think all day. I can keep up with the house, my work and a social life and no longer have to make excuses for why I can't do something, because I can. My running has returned to normal and it doesn't make my body feel like all the blood is draining out of it later in the day. I'm able to push myself as hard as I want to in the gym and not die because of it. It all sounds so minimal and simple, but believe me when those things are taken from you it is HUGE to have them all back after 10 years!! I feel like I have my life back again. I am "me" again and I am free to live my life to the fullest with no restrictions!

I share this with you for a few reasons and the first is if you know anyone who is taking Yasmin birth control or a relative of it such as "Yaz" or generic forms such as Ocella, share my story with them. I have connected with so many others who have had issues, but we just didn't know that is what was causing it. There are other ways to treat the symptoms that Yasmin helped me with and they are all holistic. I am now off all medications, and supportive supplements and completely back to normal!

Second I want to share this because I believe that women know their bodies and if we are in tune to them and listen to what our body is telling us, we know when something is wrong. Doctors can be WRONG!!! Those 5 doctors I saw who couldn't figure it out almost had me convinced that I was depressed and needed medication. But I knew my body and I listened and I kept diligently searching to find the right answers and the right treatment. Had I not, I can't imagine where I would be today. I know I wouldn't be experiencing a rich and full life like I am now. Take charge of your health care! You are the only one who has your best interest at heart!

We were at an event this weekend where they run that same 5K they tried to pull me out of back then and my husband said "it brings back the worst feeling he ever had". He remembers that day like it was yesterday. I did serious damage that day and I went down hill fast after that race. And not only was the 10 years hard on me, but on my family also. My husband hated not being able to help me. He just wanted me to feel well and he just wanted "his wife" back. I think I will run that race again next year, just so I can replace a good memory for a really bad one.

I want to thank the staff and doctors at Helios Integrated Medicine in Boulder. Special thanks to Dr. Brunschwig who never made me feel like I was losing my mind, and always encouraged me that we would find a way to make things "better than this!" And the caring and educating staff at Women to Women clinic (womentowomen.com). Amazing people looking beyond what Western medicine tells them. I am eternally grateful!

I am a runner...

It has been 30 years since I first started running... AMAZING!!! Quite the journey it has been. My faithful companion, my therapy, my God time, my sanity and most of all one of the best things I have ever consistently done for myself!!

I can remember the very first time I went out and ran and how I was instantly "in love" with it and the feeling of running. It was so freeing and exciting and then after going just a very short distance I was enticed to learn I could go further - wow?! You mean there is more than this and I can work up to running.. maybe to town?? (that was 2 miles away) LOL! But it seemed huge at that age.. I was 12.

By the time Junior High came I wanted nothing more than to run track and when I was going to be a Freshman the coach talked to me about Cross Country and I was IN!!!! I ran almost everyday that Summer!! Loving it so much. It built my confidence and gave me something to look forward to! There is something about being out by yourself running and talking to yourself in your head. I have had many many conversations with me out there...can I go further? Will my heart beat out of my chest? Will it quit hurting? But most of all a lot of "you can do it" conversations and each time I did, I grew. I realized that I was capable of so much more than I thought I was and that I could endure more pain than I thought I could handle and each small victory would set me up for the next time I had a "bad run" and if your a runner, you know what that is. No matter how much you run or how in shape you are, every now and then it's a bad one. Your feet don't want to move the way they should, your off and it seems like no matter what you do you can't seem to get back on. But then it only drives you to get back out there and run again in search of that "perfect run"! Those are the ones that come easy, everything just flows and you feel like you could literally run forever. It just feels right and it just feels so good!
There truly is nothing like a runner's "high"! That awesome, amazing feeling you get when you finish and all the blood and endorphins are shooting through your body....it can't be manufactured. Only experienced!!!

I have loved all the races in High School and beyond and all the training runs, sprints, fartlets (intervals) and easy jogs! My feet have carried me thousands of miles. It's astonishing when I think about it. I can remember as a kid when we would drive somewhere and I'd see a sign for how many miles to the next town, I'd always think about what it would be like to run that far.

I have run through injuries, slipped knee caps, runner's knee, calf pain and plantar fasciitis. And even the recovery of a severely broken leg. That one took me a year and a half to come back from and early on we just didn't know if I'd still be able to run. I couldn't even fathom that, so I just kept visualizing running and staying positive, believing I would run again!! I worked so hard in physical therapy and then hired a trainer to rebuild the leg. Those first few times running where UGLY!! I didn't know if I'd ever get my stride back, but I did. Now, if you didn't know I had gone through that you would never be able to tell. That year after coming back I trained for a Marathon, just to prove to myself that I could go farther than I ever had. My last training run was 18.4 miles before plantar fasciitis took me out of the game for a little while. It was the farthest I had ever run! :) I had reached my goal!

I have had a running partner for the last almost 15 years in my Golden/Lab mix Jake! He loves to run even more than me. He can still go 5 miles on a good day, but is slowing down now. I miss the old days of him being 25 yards ahead of me :) We also have Keela and she has become a runner too. Although she thought I was trying to kill her the first few small runs I took her on, but by late that Summer they were Marathon training with me! I guess if you hang out with me enough, you become a runner. My brother and my husband have and I'm so proud of both of them. Also my niece Allie is a runner now too and runs Cross Country in HS!

There is just something about my feet hitting the trail, the sound of the ground under my feet and the cadence of my breath as I run. It truly is therapeutic for me. I have never run with music, probably because 30 yrs ago there was no good form of which to run with it! (now I'm dating myself) But I enjoy the rawness of it, just me and nature and the sounds of the trail. I wouldn't want it any other way. This year I am shooting for a Half Marathon of 13.1 miles and I will again someday train for a Marathon, even if I just run one on my own because I know I can! Each Season I say it's my favorite Season to run, but in all honesty... I just love to run!

Happy 30th Anniversary my running body!!! You have kept my weight in check, you have formed some really nice legs and have helped me avoid cellulite, for which I am eternally grateful! You have carried me thousands of miles and along the way I have learned to love you more! I am so grateful that on that first day I decided to run! :)