Wanna Know Why??

Wanna know why I eat right and exercise?  Think I'm obsessed with it? 

Let me tell you why...

Because after 7 years of eating clean and exercising on a regular basis my whole life has changed!!

The benefits far outweigh the things I've given up.

Let me list some of the big perks....

I no longer have PMS.. after struggling with it in a pretty severe form since age 17.  I no longer have symptoms of it and don't have to "take" anything for it.

I no longer get migraine headaches.  These used to keep me on the couch or dark bedroom for a few days at at time, I haven't had one for the last few years.  I rarely ever have to even take anything for headaches at all.. they don't happen much, unless I have a sinus cold or something.

I no longer feel sluggish in the afternoon. I haven't used caffeine for the past 3-4 years.  I have coffee once in awhile as a treat but usually don't have it because I don't need it.

I have clear skin and only have an occasional breakout.

I have better sustained energy... I don't do energy drinks or any other form of stimulant and feel like I have all the energy to live a very busy lifestyle and feel great doing it.

I look younger now than I did 7 years ago. Healthy body means healthy skin, healthy hair and healthy glow.  My skin is smooth and some days I feel like I am aging backwards. 

I have better muscle tone and body composition than I ever have.  Healthy food encourages this but being in the weight room 3-4 days a week is truly the fountain of youth.  Show me an old looking fit body...I dare you! 

My body now craves healthy things.  I don't do sweets and sugary foods and I DO NOT crave them.  Sugar is the most addictive form on earth.  Eat it and it will have you craving it again in a matter of about an hour.  But break the chain of it and your body won't even crave it.

I wake up wanting my greens... I drink a mixture of spinach, kale, almond milk, coconut water, chia seeds, some type of fruit, nuts and anything else I want that is clean and healthy.

So if I don't indulge in crap food that others think is a "treat" or drink too much for the sake of fun or skip workouts because I'm "tired" when really they give me energy, maybe you'll understand why.

The thing is most people think about everything they have to give up to live a healthy lifestyle instead of the long term benefits that they will gain by living one.  When you "get" that...all the diet yo yo-ing and weight gain and loss stops and you just continue getting better. 

Some day you will wake up and think "wow - is this really my life?"  I have energy, a zest for life and feel amazing every day.

There are NO potions, no miracle cures, no secret formulas... no magic shakes, powders or pills.  There is just putting in some time for you... taking care of you and YOU are sooo worth it.

There is... making right choices and healthy choices one day at a time and then it becomes a habit.  Remember that it takes 30 days to form a habit but 90 days to make it stick and it takes 4 weeks for you to see any "changes" about 9 wks before others start to see it and 12 wks to get true results.  Don't give up on you... Give it the 12 wks.  You can do anything for 12 wks and then you may just have a new Lifestyle that affords you all the benefits I've received. 

Best of luck!!

My Commitment to Character

Kimber's Personal Commitment to Character

I am personally committed to do the following for the next year on a daily and weekly basis to build my own personal success and endeavor to lead a life that I have imagined.

1.                    Continue to get up on time, sleepy is a state of mind. Get my day started off right.

2.                  Journal my activity to keep moving in a positive direction and stay on track.

3.                   Work diligently at my goals both at fitness and professional levels, in order to build a legacy, have an abundant mentality and a high adversity quotient.

4.                  Early morning I will go for my run or weight train.  I will visualize and energize my workouts.  I am at my goal weight, ripped abs and in awesome shape. I have high energy and I feel sexy.

5.                  I will use my time wisely and take full advantage of my day and achieve all my heart desires.

6.                  Be positive and say powerful and empowering statements to build people up.

7.                  I will be consistent in my efforts.

8.                  Limit my internet and TV time. To make the best use of my time.

9.                  Eat right and track my meals, shoot to stay in ranges.

10.                Smile and laugh a lot, especially at myself, love myself and have self-confidence.  It’s sexy and more appealing than comparing myself to others.

11.                  Have good posture, walk upright with my shoulders back, chest out and a glow of self-confidence.

12.                Be honest with myself and others ~ be a women of my word.

13.                Read and study and make myself knowledgeable.

14.                Pray daily and ask for guidance from God ~ be silent and listen to Him.

15.                Listen carefully to others, become a good listener and communicator.

16.                Be optimistic, have faith and believe in my dreams.

17.                Listen to positive things – garbage in garbage out – feed my mind daily.

18.                I will keep the past in the past. I will learn to grow past the things that have stopped me before.  Have a heart of forgiveness.

19.                Live with authenticity ~ express what I want and then go after it and not be swayed by others.  Be true to myself.

20.              Will live in balance in my life and give the Glory to God.

Sometimes YOU have to do the uplifting!

It is a fact that there are many people out there who don't have a good cheerleader. That person in their corner who is there telling them that they can do it! Encouraging them and building them up with positive words and actions.  Someone who has got their back! Someone who will wipe away the tears. Someone they can lean on when times get hard. 

Who cheers you on?  In your daily quest to become the very best you can possibly be, is there someone walking along side you, encouraging you and lifting you up?

Or do you find that sometimes when you share your dreams you run up against naysayers and people who want to tell you how you SHOULD do it or how your doing it wrong. Or sometimes they just poo poo your dreams and make you feel like you'll never be able to pull that off and "what makes you think...". Sometimes they are even the people who try to discourage you and tell you "you're just not skilled in that way" or "not lucky enough" or maybe just "not cut out for it". 

This happens to people trying to achieve all sorts of things.  One thing that I see a lot is someone who is on a quest to lose weight or get in shape and the people closest to them are sabotaging them at every step of the way, by tempting them with the very things they are trying to cut out or stay away from. Telling them "oh, you can have just one", or "it won't hurt you" and giving them every excuse and reason NOT to follow their plan.  Sometimes it is your spouse or children or other family and you live in the same house with them so it's just not an option to stay away from them.  For many it's co-workers with a candy bowl on their desk, tempting you at every pass by it. But it can happen in many areas of life.

It can be very frustrating and exhausting to deal with. 

The first thing I tell clients is to make a list of the positive and negative people in their lives.  Who gives you energy and who sucks the life out of you?  You become like the 5 people you hang around the most.  So if you live with one or two of them the other 3 better be super energy givers!  We all need to take a look at this list and begin to spend less time with the energy suckers and the negative people who cause us to use more and more of our own energy just to keep ourselves positive. " In order for your cup to runneth over and be able to give to others you have to keep your cup full first!" - Iyanla Vanzant 
I have to be in a good place in order to help others and if I am constantly fighting to stay positive myself then it doesn't balance out very well. I will be the one who is depleted.  We are great at making sure everyone else's needs are met, instead of doing the opposite and making sure that we are okay first, so that we have more to give.  It's a pattern we need to break!

So if you find that you don't have enough cheerleaders... find some more!  Surround yourself with positive people who are headed in a similar direction as you, or are where you want to be and get involved with them.  Form relationships with those people and you'll find that what you put into it comes back ten fold!

Next, and I think most importantly is BE YOUR OWN BEST CHEERLEADER!!  Uplift yourself everyday.  Get your systems in place and use them.  Build your self confidence by speaking the truth and doing what you say your going to do so that you can feel good about you.  Use affirmations and speak to yourself with total loving kindness!  Empower yourself by believing in you even when someone else doesn't.  You create this by envisioning it everyday.  Visualize yourself at your very, very best!  Being who you want to be, having what you want to have, feeling the way you want to feel and living the life you want to live.  Do it right after rising in the morning and the last 10 min. before you fall asleep at night. Put your subconscious mind to work on those things by making them your last thoughts. You have to get so clear on what you want that no one can push you off course.  It doesn't matter if someone else can do it better, more accurate and articulate it better.  You are enough!  You are right were you are suppose to be in your journey.  God has a plan and he is using you through it.  Sometimes we hold ourselves back because we can't be perfect yet?  No one expects you to be and the journey of getting better every day is the most beautiful part!  Live your journey! Believe in your dreams and feed your mind daily with lots of good loving self talk, like you are in the biggest love affair ever..... with YOU!  It's not ego unless you're out telling everyone else how great you think you are. But we truly speak the worst to ourselves on a daily basis and don't stop to think about what all the bad things you say about yourself are doing to tear you down.  Build yourself up... Uplift You! 

Don't be discouraged if you feel like there is no one there to uplift you.  Start forming your group of uplifting people and spending more time around them.  Get with other dreamers and soon the naysayers won't have as much effect on you.  Get your systems in place that help motivate you. By visualization, affirmations and good self talk.  There are a ton of ideas out there.  Some watch motivational videos or read motivational quotes, but find those things that evoke positive energy in you and use them on a daily basis to get yourself "right" and feeling positive and on the right path.
I know someone who's main motivation comes from "proving them all wrong" and it works for her.  Figure out what works for you.  Another person envisions her co-workers blowing up like a balloon when they are trying to get her to eat something she doesn't want to. Soon she found that they learned they couldn't penetrate her resolve and they quit asking her to eat cake, cookies and other treats.  Only you know your motivation and know what causes the emotion in you that then makes you feel lifted up.  Find it and use it for your good.


Kimberly Pfauth
Certified Life Coach / Motivational Speaker
Firestone CO
kimberspeaks@gmail.com

Motivation...

"Let motivation be the by product of your life, not the foundation to build upon." -John Maxwell




I get emails all the time from people asking me how I stay motivated and I'm always stumped because I don't know how to explain it and I usually dive into some rant about setting a goal and working toward it with small goals to get me there etc. And as much as that is true, the real truth is I just set my schedule and I am dedicated to it and it's become a habit and THAT motivates me!



What John Maxwell is talking about is the fact that if you wait to be motivated to do something it just might not happen, but if you do what you should do it usually is followed by motivation. I think too often we are waiting for that light bulb moment the "ah ha!" We're thinking motivation is suppose to be magical and mystical and we get jealous of the fact that some people seem to" have it" and we want it too! That's like saying the girl on the cover of Oxygen is so lucky because she has a body like that! LOL When really we all know "luck" has nothing to do with it. It's hard work and dedication to get there. It's sacrificing and being determined to meet our goals. It is doing it even when we don't feel like doing it. In the words of Nike... JUST DO IT!



When we begin to get dedicated and just do the things we are suppose to be doing, whether it is eating clean and following our workout schedule or one more set. Maybe it's work related and we know we have to make so many calls to set the next appointment and just by putting in the work the results begin to come. But when we don't do what we know we are suppose to do, then sure enough, the results don't come and we find ourselves more and more unmotivated.



I do find that when I put in the work, like getting out of bed on the first alarm at 5:00 a.m. and hitting the gym, running my HIIT on the days I am suppose to and do those last sets when it's the toughest, I begin to feel like something is happening. I feel good about myself and I start seeing results and it makes it a little bit easier to get up (Motivation). When I eat clean and plan my meals and snacks and cook ahead of time so I have everything I need to stay on my plan, sure enough, the scale moves and then I get even more excited to stick to it (Motivation). And when I make all my calls and put in the time that I need to, to set appointments, then I have enough work and I'm making good money and I feel good about my success and it makes rejection seem like just another "next!" (Motivation).



So the key is to remember this the next time I'm feeling like I've lost my mojo or I'm in a slump. All I really need to do is start DOING and the motivation to do will follow. It's like saying I want to make a million dollars and then sitting back and waiting for it to fall in my lap... it just doesn't happen that way. So I say motivation doesn't come without hard work. Sure you need to set a plan and a goal and work toward it and there are a million ways to pump yourself up but the best way is to just do it and I guarantee that you will feel better for having done it!



So let the motivation be the by product of your doing the work and I hope you have a VERY Motivated week!

Breaking the Chain!

Do you ever feel like you have noise in your head?  Let me rephrase that... do you ever feel like voices from your past are continually creeping in and speaking to you, just when you think you've shut them up?

Before you think I'm a total lunatic, I am talking about the bad messages you've had that have followed you around. Maybe since childhood or maybe a bad boyfriend who told you you were ugly.  I used to call them the tapes that played in my head, but now I just call them noise, because nobody uses "tapes" anymore.

I never knew I had noise until I hit my late 20's and wanted to start to change some things in my life and realized it wasn't that easy to do and often I fell back into old patterns that I had been repeating for some time.
Then I learned about "self-talk" and realized that some of my self-talk wasn't even my words.  They had come from things that had been said to me by my parents, sibling or someone at school etc.  Things like "money doesn't grow on trees". I bet you've heard that one before yourself.  It comes from well meaning parents that don't have the means or don't want to provide you with whatever "thing" you think you need at the time, like a new toy or something.  It's a shorter sentence than "you need to understand that at this time we do not have the extra money for something like that, but if you really want it, maybe we can come up with some ideas on how you can achieve earning some extra allowance to get it." But somehow "money doesn't grow on trees" stings just a little more and makes you feel somehow not worthy. It is a definite" NO!" And "there will be no more discussion on this subject! I know I've been guilty of saying it...more than once.

My self-talk was really bad for a long time.  I had a pretty low opinion of myself and my spending issues of living beyond my means didn't help at all to make it any better. When I started listening for it, I was shocked of the things I caught myself saying to me! Things I would never utter to anyone else! Things so mean that if I had told someone else that, I would be a horrible person.  So why did I think it was okay to say them to me and continue to plant them in my subconscious?  I called myself stupid, or an idiot! I cut myself down in every possible way.  My looks, my intelligence, my image etc.  If I could find something to pick at about myself, I would.  I began a process of recognizing I was saying these things to beginning to replace them with a good statement when I realized I was doing it and after years of practice I can happily say that I speak pretty nice to myself all the time now. 

But that doesn't mean that I still don't have noise.  It mostly comes out when I am stressed and unsure I can accomplish something or have the ability to do something.  I begin to doubt myself and hear things like "what makes you think you can do that?", or "you'll never be able to do that!" My noise can get so loud that it will totally blow me off track for a day, or sometimes two. It can be all consuming and drown out my ambition. I begin to think I'm not good enough. I begin to think everyone is better than me and I have nothing to offer.  That part comes from the times in my life when I felt that way.  When I was a child and lived in a family of alcoholics and even though no one talked about it, it made me feel ashamed. To hearing things from the men in my life that made me feel like I was not worthy and would never amount to anything.  To the financial mess I made of my life because I couldn't take responsibility for my action and made me feel like a complete failure.  Those are all really bad times, really bad memories and they somehow stick in my mind easier than some of the good times. And those feelings can be really raw and come flooding back with a wave of emotion that takes me right back to those times.

The "chain" is that those habits and patterns don't have to define you!  Your past does not equal your future and if you have moved on from those things, you are free of those things.  And let me just say that if there are people in your life who can't let go of those things or those times, even though you've changed...then it is probably time to let go of those people in your life because they do not serve you being who you are now.  The chain means you don't have to follow the same patterns you where shown while growing up. I didn't have to become an alcoholic, nor did my brother and we were able to break that chain that had gone on for 3 generations, maybe more. I didn't have to continue to overspend, just because I had created that pattern for myself and it had gone on for years.  You can break the chain!  You can become your authentic self and be true to what you believe and want to be in life.

Let me share a story with you.  Growing up with a lot of alcoholics meant that none of them had a very good attitude and mostly they were grumpy people who blamed others for everything and never had a good thing to say about anyone.  Being around that all the time affected me.  I steered clear of them! In some ways they frightened me when I was young, because you never knew when the next thing they were brewing about was you for some reason or something you did or didn't do! My grandpa was one of those that I dodged often!  I am sad to say I don't have a lot of good memories of him. When he was coming home from the bar I would head out from my grandma's and go home.  They lived just up the road from us.  One day my brother and I were playing baseball in the yard with my grandma. I was in the outfield (probably picking flowers or something) and my grandma was pitching to my brother, who was into playing baseball at this time.  We were roughly 6 and 8 yrs. old.  My grandma would pitch to my brother and he was trying to connect with the ball, but wasn't having much luck.  So my grandma would move up a little closer to him. About the 3rd time she moved up my brother connected with one and drove a line drive right back at her and clocked her in the nose.  She fell over and was out COLD!  My brother and I ran to her and blood was pouring out her nose and we stood there over her and thought the worse.... we thought she was DEAD!  We thought he had killed her.  You have to remember we were little kids - it was all very dramatic! We looked at each other and wondered what to do. Then we decided we'd drag her under a tree and hide her body!  Now, we knew our grandpa would be coming home soon and we KNEW we would get into horrible trouble with him if he found out we killed grandma. So that is how our little minds worked.  We were so worried about his reaction that ours was not normal. Luckily for us she came to. To two hysterical little kids and a broken nose. Poor grandma is 92 yrs. old and still has a crooked nose because she never went to the doctor.  So yes, being around my grandpa effected how I reacted and what I thought.  I have a tendency to still steer clear of negative people, which in many ways is probably a good trait I got from all of that.

I just want you to know that it doesn't matter where you come from, what your background is and what you have done in the past.  You can break that chain and live the life that you deserve and want to have. Be who YOU are, your authentic self now! Embrace it!  And just keep moving forward.  Talk to yourself in the best way and support your goals and dreams. And surround yourself with people who do the same for you! 

2012 will prove to be your best year yet!!

And then... I conquered myself!!

Thanks for all of the comments and encouragement I received after my last blog!  I truly appreciate your love, support and belief in me and my abilities. 

Since that post I had been anticipating another opportunity, another chance to change that outcome and overcome my fear, that I had only just discovered.  I didn't let it eat at me, but I certainly thought about it often.  Researching and mentally running over it in my mind of how I would handle it differently and how I could change the way I approach the fear of heights, to be able to conquer the fear inside of me. 

I like to know I have control.  I am a control freak at heart!  I plan and meticulously plot out my days, my life, my workouts and my control over me.  I love time management and even though, I still struggle with it at times (I do have those days that it just doesn't go as planned) I work to improve on it daily.  So for me the fact that I didn't have control over myself and my body's reaction, up on that mountain, just didn't sit well with me and I would not accept that I had a "fear of heights" or acrophobia. I felt strongly that it was something I wanted to overcome. 

My husband, Fritz and I had a vacation coming up with some hiking scheduled and ever since 2006, when he had been to Zion National Park and climbed Angel's Landing, he had wanted to take me there and have me experience it!  After Longs Peak I knew we had this trip coming up and I knew I was going to be able to get into some "situations" that would test me and my acrophobia.  But I had been preparing myself for how I would handle it and what I would do to overcome it.  I had thought so much about the excitement of getting another chance that I wasn't even anxious about the trip although I knew I'd be tested.  I was in a comfortable place with it and excited to move on. 

So day 1 of hiking in Zion we hit the ground running and did Angel's first!  My hubby was so smart about this.  No working up to it etc. Let's just do it! I like that! LOL!  I was as prepared as I was going to be and we caught the shuttle bus into the park to drop us off at the trail head for Angel's Landing.  On our way the recorded message from the PA says" the next stop is the trail head for Angle's and we do not recommend small children or aracophobes to take this hike, and if anyone in your party feels uncomfortable at any time please turn around.  There have been fatalities on this trail." Okay, thanks for that! I just had to chuckle!   We departed the bus and headed up the trail.  I told myself to just enjoy the experience and take it one step at a  time.  The first part is fairly steep but a wide pathway and even though you are traveling up at a rapid rate, I felt totally comfortable and even looking back or down I was doing okay.  Then we got to the technical part. 

"Rocks and chains" we'll call it!   No doubt there was some heavy breathing on my part and taking a few deep breaths!  But I just simply looked at the next step in front of me and kept moving.  It was important to me to keep moving.  The times my heart really raced where when we would meet someone going in the opposite direction and have to cross our paths.  To have to put trust in other people to not do something stupid was daunting!  But my hubby was there making sure we were in a good place to pass when we needed to and waiting when we needed to for all things to be "clear".  I will be honest, I didn't look down! I just looked at the step in front of me.  I knew I could just keep taking the "next" step.  I didn't think about the trail ahead, although at one point I caught a peek of it and really had a strong gut reaction to just turn around. But I wasn't going to, I was determined!! I didn't think about getting to the top and then having to come back down these areas that I was having to use the chains to pull myself up onto the next rock.  I didn't allow myself and my mind to even go there.  I just thought, "I'll deal with that when I get there." It was a good plan!  Here we are on the summit!

I can tell you I didn't want to "hang out" up there too long! LOL!! I think Fritz would have liked to stay longer. :)  We spent about an hour. My trip down I was feeling comfortable and confident and I dare say it was pretty easy and stress free! Ya!!!  I even stopped to look over the edge on the way down!  I had a sense of accomplishment, but wasn't elated.  Just very calm and comfortable with being able to overcome and accomplish what I set out to do.  I guess I was thinking it would be this big celebration if I made it.  But that wasn't the way I was feeling.  I was just satisfied :) 

A couple of days later, while hanging by the pool relaxing, I was reading my book "Unleashing your Authentic Power" - Jim Britt, and read a whole passage on fear.  What struck me most was this: "Fear is trapped energy - nothing more, nothing less. Fear is the expectation of pain. Fear is the result of taking a non resourceful experience from our past, projecting it in the present once again. It's our imagination. Fear is never about the present. It's only about the future, based on the past. It only appears to be happening to us now."  I thought that explains it beautifully.  I also thought I was wishing I had read that on the plane, a few days earlier,  instead of talking to the guy next to us!  LOL!! For me it made sense.  Fear was just energy I created in my body by letting my imagination think of the worse case scenarios! It relates to so many things in our lives not just a fear of heights.  The fear that is holding you back from anything you want to do or accomplish is just energy - trapped energy.  When I think of it this way it makes it so much easier to dismiss it and just move forward.  Not let fear stop me, not let fear control me, but just simply let it go as bad energy in my body!  There are so many things we can accomplish in life when we learn to "let go" of the things that do not serve us well.  The more I let go the more I grow!! 

On days after the first I enjoyed the "heights".  I took time to look down and it didn't bother me at all.  I got myself into some places I wouldn't have been comfortable before and I let go of that fear!

This was an amazing trip for so many reasons and really the least of them was getting to the top of that particular mountain.   My last blog I labeled "It's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves." And on this trip I conquered me!! 

"It's not the mountain we conquer but ourselves" ~Edmund Hillary

There are times in your life that you realize that it's time to get to it!  Time to get to the things you've wanted to accomplish. The goals you've had on your list for awhile.  And for me it's my "bucket list".  I've had that feeling over the last few months.  As I finish up my certifications for Life Coaching and want to truly walk the walk of what I believe. I felt it was time to tackle a few things on that list.  I also have had a few things happen to friends that make me realize that life is short and we are not guaranteed tomorrow.  That along with my own "being well" after 10 years of adrenal fatigue and my health no longer being the reason to hold me back! 

So as Labor Day weekend was approaching my husband and I discussed climbing Longs Peak, which is a "14er" mountain in Colorado that tops out at 14,256 ft. in elevation.  It had been on my list for years.  And we had never attempted it together although Fritz had done it several times over the years. And we never set a date to it during the time I was battling fatigue because the schedule of it would have been really rough for me. 

It requires an early start, 2:30 -3:30 a.m.!!  The goal is to get to the Summit and be headed back down by about 11:30 a.m. before any weather starts to form up there at 14,000 ft.  At that altitude weather has patterns all it's own.  And you don't want to be caught up there when bad weather rolls in. 

We did a long hike the week before and felt great so we were feeling confident that Longs Peak was finally within our reach!  So Fritz scheduled an extra day off and we planned our hike day on a Friday, giving us the rest of the long weekend to recoup.  We had heard that on any given weekend there were 300-400 people who attempt it in the Summer months when the weather is good. 

So we had a plan, eat dinner early, I'd get us packed and we would go to bed about 6:30 p.m. the night before to get up at Midnight and be to the trail around 2:00 a.m. I had been doing my researchonline by Googling the mountain and the trail, looking through friends pictures that had done the hike and mentally preparing myself for what was coming up.  There were a few areas that looked a little dicey, but I was confident that I was ready and prepared for the hike. I had a few select friends that I messaged and asked to pray for us on our journey and that brought me great comfort just knowing we would be in the thoughts and prayers of friends.  So I laid down, closed my eyes and prepared for sleep.  It didn't come. I got approx. 1 hour of sleep by the time the night went by, before waking up at midnight.  I was too excited, too filled with anxiety over our climb to come.  I had waited so long to share this with my husband.  It was finally our time.  Even without sleep I knew I'd be okay.  I had rested. :) I had been doing an adequate amount of cardio to prepare myself and I am in good shape, so the physicality of the climb didn't worry me. I figured my adrenaline of the excitement of the trip would carry me through.

We arrived at the trial head about 2:15 a.m. Pitch black, with little or no moon to light the night.  The parking lot was filling up at a pretty good rate.  Your thinking "who else is up at this time?" and then all these people are showing up, all with the same agenda as you.  To climb Longs Peak! Everyone was strapping on their flashlights to light our paths up the trail.  We signed in at the trial head at 2:25 a.m. and we were off.  Walking through the dark up the path, just one foot in front of the other, only being able to see the next few steps in front of you.  From the very start you begin to climb and in the stillness and quiet of the night you'd hear voices coming.  It would seem like they were so close to you, but looking back they were a little ways down the trail.   The voices just carried well in the night. Looking back we would see a string of lights, moving their way through the darkness behind us.  It was like a string of Christmas lights!  The stars were so bright in the sky and reminded me of the sky in Montana.  The stars are always so bright and plentiful when no city lights are dulling them.

Up, up and up the trail we went.  It was like a stair climber from hell in certain spots as you were just climbing step after step up the rocks.  You could tell we were climbing and the breaths get a little more labored the higher up we go. We took in snacks while we walked and kept our pace steady.  Never stopping for a break, but we were both feeling good.  Because we started early and it is later in the year, being September, we were in the Boulderfield before any sign of dawn broke.  The scramble across the boulders was a bit of a challenge in the dark.  Little piles of rocks are the only signs of the trial, so we would maneuver a few steps over the boulders, then stop and lift up our flashlights to see if we could see any little piles of rocks and then move forward.  While light was just starting to come I saw the outline of what I had read about as the solar outhouses in the Boulderfield.  We found our way to them in the dark and by the time we turned around it seemed like more and more light was coming.  Soon we weren't using the flashlights and were able to turn them off.  I got my first look at the Keyhole.  Up the Boulderfield to the edge of the mountain where you cross over to the back side of the mountain.  It was fairly steep over the last big boulders to get there.  Often you are just grabbing the edge of a rock and scrambling your feet up it.  No real correct path or step to take, it's just a matter of finding your way over the rocks. 

We reached the Keyhole and decided to take a quick break and re-fuel ourselves.  We ate a little bit and drank some gatorade and where feeling really good about the time we were making and our chances of Summiting. We under packed warmer clothes a little and I had on layers, but all layers wind could blow through and I was freezing.  Shivering so badly it was difficult to hold my protein bar still enough to take a bite. The wind was blowing and it was chilly up there.  We even saw snowflakes fluttering around.

We set off to cross over and continue our climb to the next part called the "Ledges".  As we came over the top it was awe inspiring.  A 2000 ft. drop down the other side and your up there on the ledges above it.  There are bulls eyes drawn on the rocks to help you find your way across the rock face and stay on the course.  As soon as we turned that corner and it was time to reach our first bulls eye I was not prepared for what happened to me next.  The view when we came over the top had taken my breath away it was so amazing but it soon turned from awe of the view to "holy crap" that is a long drop.  I told myself not to look down.  Figuring that would help.  But as much as I wasn't looking, I knew it was there.  I became very scared.  Fritz was leading out and I could see him moving toward the next target and I panicked.  I called for him and told him to slow down a little bit because I just needed to acclimate myself a little. Even though I was scared and telling myself to not look down, I was giving myself a pep talk up there.  FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. It's not as scary as you're feeling.  Just feel it and move forward.  You can do this.  Plenty of people before you have done it and been fine.  But no matter what I was telling my brain, my body was not cooperating.  I was beginning to get very dizzy and I thought I was experiencing vertigo.  I began to feel nauseated and thought I'd throw up.  I couldn't figure out what was going on.  I felt like a just needed a few minutes, but it wasn't passing.  I felt like my world was spinning and with that unsure feeling I was trying to imagine continuing on.  I felt very unstable.  Then my chest started to tighten and I felt a panic attack coming on.  I thought "great I'm going to have a frickin' heart attack up here on this mountain!"  "what the hell is going on!??"  I had never felt like that before. I could see myself trying to take that ledge but had a hard time seeing myself coming back.   I knew the only trial wasn't to get there, but that I'd have to come down too.  It became evident that in my current state and as unstable as I was with the dizziness and spinning and thinking I would be sick and the fact that I couldn't seem to slow my breaths down that it was going to be hard to continue and for the first time I began to feel like it would not be safe for me to do so.  All the things I had done in the past to get myself through something, didn't work!   I was so relieved to come back over that ledge and start heading back down. 

I am the one who has always wanted to jump out of an airplane!  I love free fall rides of any kind.  I am the first one to sign up for the harness ride, where they strap you in and pull you up a few stories then you rip the cord and fall!  I always want to be the one in charge of pulling the cord, and don't have any problem doing it!  I Love roller coasters and the exhilaration of screaming fast down them.  I've never had a problem with glass elevators or high balconies.  I had NO idea I was afraid of heights.  I didn't know until I was out on that ledge about to crawl out on it.  My mind couldn't overcome the strong reaction my body was having.  My range of emotions was all over the place.  From being glad to going down. At first having NO regrets of not going forward to being pissed off that I couldn't control the reaction my body was having.  And then disappointed that we weren't able to continue.  I knew how badly my husband had wanted me to get to the Summit and how he wanted me to see that view from the top of the mountain.  I tried to put it out of my mind and just enjoy all the scenery of our trip down.  All the beauty we had missed in the dark on our way up!  It was inspiring and I was so glad we came, even though we didn't make it all the way.  I felt the trip was well worth it still.  It wasn't until we were home and starting researching my symptoms that we realized I had a fear of heights.  I was baffled.  Where did this come from?  Why do I have it and why in some cases doesn't it bother me.  It appears it comes from something that is stuck in your subconscious, probably from childhood, that terrified me.  I couldn't quite pin point one occasion.  When I asked my brother his response was "which one?" I could think a many instances of  being terrified and fearing for my life, real or not. 

I was ashamed.  I felt like a complete chicken.  It is not my nature to set a goal and then not make it.  To give up turn around and quit.  This began to wear on me.   So I decided that I would begin to work on it and find a way to over come it.  Since then I am researching things that might help and ways to overcome a fear of heights.  It's not an option for me to just "avoid" those situations.  I always want to be in full control of my body and not let it stop me.  I plan to work on it and go back next year because for me it's not an option to not make it.  Before we went up I had no idea that I even had this fear, but now that I know it's time to take it by the horns and deal with it.  Oh, Longs Peak, you may have been elusive to me this time, but you made me realize something about myself, that I will now work to overcome.  I will be back and I will win.  The quote of the blog has a whole new meaning to it than when I first remembered it the week before we went up.  So add that to my bucket list - overcome the fear of heights!!  Can't wait to cross that one off!